My husband came around the idea much easier than I did, I struggled a lot and I did start to feel very guilty about not being able to feel close to this pregnancy the way I had when we were expecting Lilly. When we expected our first I had an immediate bond to the baby, I knew straight away we were going to have a girl and I spent hours reading to the baby, singing and playing music for her, we did not have a lot of money so there are a lot of things I wish I had had the opportunity to do for her that I did not and it did make me sad but I did my best to enjoy every moment, and create as many memories possible during pregnancy. I was so happy, I felt really strong during that first pregnancy, despite a little sickness at the beginning I remember being able to walk miles on, the only real problem being the constant need to run to the bathroom during the night, but I was just the typical happy first pregnancy poster girl who behaved as if she had been the one inventing pregnancy!
This second time around I did feel the heavy burden of unplanned pregnancy. I remember feeling isolated, I did not think anyone would understand that I was not rejoicing in the news and I did not want to have fake joy just so they would not feel uncomfortable (but I did if I must be honest because when people find out they expect the expectant mother to be a glowing happy pregnant lady and if she isn't they just put it on the account of a bad hormonal day and she agrees to go along that excuse). I was living in a very paradoxical situation. I did want the best for that pregnancy and so I did what I could physically for it, but emotionally I felt absent and yet I did have an attachment. It was really hard to describe and it made it somewhat more intimate than the first pregnancy in the sense that this time around the only thing that mattered to me was to create a bond and I did not want to be forced into sharing the news until I had had a chance to figure out my own feelings.
My feelings became more intricate after experiencing bleeding and fearing the loss of the entire pregnancy. I did feel even more guilty that my lack of enthusiasm was literally destroying life and that it was all my fault. I was feeling so sick and I was also struggling with needing to take care of our first daughter and I did feel guilty about not being able to give her all the time I had wanted to give her. I felt more and more isolated. But I was determined not to let the baby down. I did things I had not done the first time around such as buying a set of pregnancy clothes I felt comfortable in and that made me feel like myself. I also joined a group on Facebook that changed things for the best for me.
You see when I was expecting Lilly I had somewhat of a plan, we had an ideal pregnancy so I envisioned a very easy and ideal labour. And when it did not happen and I was left in a dark room with my husband who was just as clueless as I was (though at least he was clear minded and could advocate for me when I could not), we had no one explaining us anything, a midwife who did not believe I was really in labour (I still remember the shock on her face to see I was over 5 cms dilated or when I told her I thought I was ready to push and was surprised I was 10 cms but she just had to have me lie down so she could do the foetal monitoring she had forgotten to do an hour and a half ago). Things were a real mess, they were traumatic, I remember being taken up to the theatre and begging for someone to wake up my husband, the diamorphine wearing off and the pain becoming more intense as I was lying flat on my back, I remember being exhausted, I remember the young doctor coming in with forms to fill and all I could say was that I did not want an episiotomy and her saying it was routine and I had no say in it, that I did not know or could think clearly, and that at that point I just stopped. I stopped trying to breath with the contraction, stop trying to push, I was exhausted and alone and I figured that I was just beside the theatre and since things were out of my hands there was no point in trying any more. I had failed. Things were going wrong but they would take care of it all, I was not able to. And then someone took my hand. There was this wonderful anaesthetist doctor looking at me, I remember how she assessed the whole situation and got the person who was putting an IV in my arm to back off because it was done wrong and said she would take care of it all. She had heard me when I had asked not to have an episiotomy and she asked the doctor to wait to ask me to sign the forms for her to put the IV in, she stalled things you see because she knew shifts where about to change, and my husband finally was let in and was there to help me with the forms and give me a voice. I was taken into theatre and the young doctor was not there but another doctor who welcomed me and said that if I did not want an episiotomy he would try without and successfully managed to bring Lilly in this world while I only experienced a small tear. That was my only say that was listened and respected, but the childbirth was still traumatic, Lilly was blue, I did not get to hold her, and I was left alone as Simon followed her. I couldn't feel anything because of the epidural I had to undergo since they feared forceps might not work and were considering a C-section.
So this was daunting me as well. But now that I knew things don't always go to plan, I decided to make not only a birth plan but back up plans. I set my expectations, bring the baby in this world as healthily as possible and stay myself in good health as well. I was concerned about our oldest daughter and who would take care of her if I went to the hospital so in my first plan I was ready to leave my husband behind if needed and go by myself.
However after joining one of the Positive Birth groups I became more interested in a Home Birth. I would definitely encourage any woman to to look into the Positive Birth movement as it focuses on helping the mother achieve a positive birthing experience regardless of the birth method, it is about going through childbirth as a whole human being and reclaiming the respect a woman is due while giving birth rather than being made passive.
If things went well I could have this new child at home, in a familiar environment and Lilly would have both her parents and not feel separated out of nowhere from her mother and then see her coming home with an new baby. We live just beside the maternity so if things did not go to the Home Birth plan, I could still safely make it to the hospital and I knew how I wanted things to go there as well. I asked my midwife about the home birth around six months in, and I was referred to the home birth team. I fell in love. Simon looked into the idea and liked it too, he was very supportive of it and felt quite relieved as well after meeting Caroline, the midwife who took care of me during the rest of the pregnancy.
On the 24th of October 2014, my waters went and Simon got the call he had been looking forward to at work. He came home only to be sent back out to get his hair cut. I was feeling in control and happy. I knew that labour was not established yet, and I did not feel like I needed the presence of a midwife until the contractions got much stronger at around 2 am. We called the midwifery unit then, and we got to meet Anne (Caroline had been delivering babies that morning and could not be present). Anne was just as amazing as Caroline and I felt at peace with her there, she checked me and proposed to give me a swipe to accelerate things, combined with diamorphine so I could rest. We did that and I managed to sleep in between contraction, she also showed me a technique to prevent me being sick and it worked wonders. Around 8 am I felt like the baby was coming, Anne called for a second midwife, I do not remember the exact time line but I do remember the crowning beginning and letting out a scream that woke Lilly up, and she came to the living room into her daddy's arms. Her presence soothed me and she stayed by my side as her little sister came into this world. The midwives were wonderful, they were attentive to what I was going through, asking questions and never patronising but treating me as a whole human being who was present in the room, and with their help I experience the most amazing and empowering moment in my life. I felt empowered like never before.
And I bonded with Kaede before even seeing her, I felt her arriving, I felt every little movement she made, I felt her tiny face and hands, and I loved her being put on my chest and us enjoying each other's presence for an hour without interruption while Lilly cuddled in and fell in love with her sister. This was beautiful. This was the first moment of light and pure bliss out of a long year full of heartbreak and losses.
This birth healed me from a traumatic first birth and a hard second pregnancy. This birth made me feel whole after having felt broken by pregnancy.
Things were not easy every day after and four months in we are still figuring it all out but this wonderful birth made things better. Kaede is just as wonderful and peaceful a baby as her birth was wonderful and peaceful.Her birth made me feel like I could do it again if we wanted to.
