The Empty Space.

I am very lucky. Every day I get to wake up next to a warm little body. I have the chance to watch the soft flushed cheeks, the long dark lashes on eyes closed, dreaming, the chubby little hands gently closed on themselves like flowers...and a few drops of milk rolled in the corner of the glossiest lips on the cutest little mouth. Every day I take it all in... and I feel the empty space on the other side of the bed. For a moment, I pause. I wonder who would have woken up first... what eyes would have watched me and observed their sibling mischievously, ready to devour another day. Then I hear slightly older footsteps, a head full of curls appear with a smile, laughter, a tornado of energy, she hugs her sister and wakes her up with tickles. The day begins... and while I carry a child in each arm, the empty space quietly follows.

Throughout the day there are laughters, there are tears, there are precious, fleeting moments. Everyday milestones are reached, goals are achieved, some dreams are put on hold, some hopes have to be planned before becoming certainties, life happens. Life carries on. Life, so precious, so beautiful, so cruel. Life only cares for the livings, it doesn't hit the halt button and you have to follow, you can let yourself float but close your eyes and you might miss a rare instant... and in that moment, while you marvel at the purity, beauty and try to make a mental not of every component, the empty space sits beside you. You can't see it, but you can feel it... It is part of you. No one else knows. And for a moment you indulge it. You see this moment through the filter of emptiness, you desperately wish to hear a laugh you never heard, and never will. While you count the pattern of two little sets of feet on the floor, you feel the inexistent vibration of another tiny step... You wonder the smell of another little head... and feel the empty space in a hug for two that could easily have embraced three.

Sometimes at night, the empty space feels more present. It doesn't do anything. It is just there. And that is when, alone, in silence, I let the tears flow. I visit the moments that will never were and will never be. The first hold we never had, those sweet moments of just feeling. Watching you take your first step, walking away with excitement. The playtimes with your sisters, and falling asleep close, fingers brushing...The first friends, holidays... first love, overhearing you talk about it to your siblings... first job, first heartbreak, graduation... career... the few moments on your wedding day adjusting a bow or tie and wondering where the time went? And there I stop. Because the time went nowhere... and looking further is too painful... there won't be little ones of little one. There won't be an exciting phone call in the middle of the night... there is no time. It was all spent before I even had a chance to appreciate it. And that is my main regret.

So I stay here. I feel the empty space. There are no words, some tears, no comfort. No one will ever see you... I will never see you... And your only presence is in your absence. No one knows how much there is in this empty space.

Dawn

If I knew that today were my last day,

And tonight were my last night,

Would you forgive me not to say,

Would you let me be selfish one last time?

Because I would be scared you know,

You have given me wings till now,

But I do not know if anything awaits,

And I do not want to go...

So tonight I do not want wishes,

They are the seeds of regret,

I want to go through the pages of memories,

And hold them in my heart one last time...

I will get up earlier to see the red of dawn,

Listen to the stirs of the morning,

Hear you stumbling out of sleep,

The patter of little feet starting their day,

I will hold you a little tighter,

I will breath the perfume of little heads,

I will feel the warmth of their little bodies,

Savour every embrace.

I will watch every step you take,

And listen to every word you say,

I will look at every little gesture you make,

Just a little longer than any other day.

I will enjoy that precious smile,

That makes my heart beat faster,

I will look forward to lay in your arms tonight,

But before let me one last time,

Brush their hair and hug them tight,

Kiss their faces and feel their heart against mine,

Hear the tales of the day,

And the dreams of the ones to come,

Allow me to chase away the monsters under the bed,

One last kiss, one last story time,

I do not want to leave their room,

I just want to see one last sleepy smile,

This will be all I have of them...

I am in your arms now,

I feel safe next to you,

I am sorry for betraying our hopes,

I hope you will forgive my weakness,

For wanting one last happy memory,

To go to sleep tonight...

Tomorrow when I'll be gone,

Know that I have loved you,

And if I still am, then I still do...

But you still are, 

So please cherish this time we had,

Keep our friendship for you were my best friend,

And knew me like no one else,

But please do not turn back,

Do not look down to where I am,

Do not tarnish what we had,

Please do not make me your fall,

From this cliff where you are standing now,

Rather please let me be the soar

In the first step you need to fly,

And as you were for me,

Please let me now be your wings,

Until you reach a place,

Where you can feel safe...

And watch again the sun rise at dawn,

Nahomie Hann